You Used to be Hot.

It never fails: You'll always hear your mother and grandmother talk about how they used to have a body like you.  "I was quite a dish back then!  And then...I don't know what happened."

I'll tell you what happened: Gravity happened.  Stress happened.  Sleepless nights happened.  Then they popped out a couple of kids and it was all over.

But it doesn't even take motherhood to destroy your body anymore.  You graduate high school and you're perky and tight and everything still sticks straight up and nothing jiggles when you walk.

And then college happens.  Between a lack of sleep and too much stress and horrible food and beer that's so cheap you CAN'T turn it down, your body goes from Gisele Bundchen to Roseanne Barr.

By the time you graduate and get a "real job" in the "real world" because you're an "adult" (*barfing everywhere*), your life is destroyed.  A doughnut is considered an acceptable breakfast and you've somehow convinced yourself that pizza is a vegetable.

And forget hitting the gym.  When you drag your ass into the house late at night, you have just enough time to  finish off half of the Entenmann's lemon strudel you bought yesterday and go straight to bed, allowing the cake to settle on the worst parts of your ass.

Within weeks, you notice that your boobs have gone from resting beautifully below your collarbone to hitting you in the stomach when you walk too fast.  When you raise your hand to wave to someone, you notice that the fat under your arm waves to them too.  Your thighs--once tight and lean and NEVER touching--could now start a fire with the friction between them when you're speedwalking down the hall to fax that document your boss gave you.

And forget personal hygiene.  You were once able to wash your hair once a week and it never looked dirty.  These days, you miss one shower and there's enough grease in your hair to fry an egg on your head.  With the way your schedule is now, you're lucky if you pick your eye boogers before walking into the office.

It's a sad day when you realize that you're not the hot 19-year-old you used to be.  You're just a shriveled up, pruning women in her 20s.  Get a cat.

Sharing Our Penises with the World

Hello, Penis Chroniclers!

Well, it certainly has been a long journey.  We've been working on this book for quite some time and have taken great care to make sure we're producing only the best writing we can.  Things have been a little hectic lately.  Both of us have packed schedules and like to at least pretend we have social lives, so finishing the book became a slower process.

BUT after many, many hours behind our computers, several phone conversations about the most recent dating disaster, and trips down Memory Lane where we revisited the exes we still can't stand, we finally completed the story and are about to send it off to our editor.  Everyone say, "WAHOO!!!!"  We're really happy with where the story is going and hope you can laugh at it as much as we have laughed at ourselves.

We appreciate how patient everyone has been this whole time, and we definitely still have more exciting things coming for you.  We're releasing several new photos on our Facebook page, so be sure to check them out, comment, and share, share, share!  The Penis Chronicles has something for everyone, and we promise you'll get a good chuckle out of the book.  If you don't, you must not have a sense of humor.

So sad.

We kind of disappeared for a while to finish up the writing, but we're ready to get the party started again.  Expect fun pics, new blogs, and in the near future, something resembling what is supposed to be a book.

Or something.

Love,
Dani & Megan