You Used to be Hot.

It never fails: You'll always hear your mother and grandmother talk about how they used to have a body like you.  "I was quite a dish back then!  And then...I don't know what happened."

I'll tell you what happened: Gravity happened.  Stress happened.  Sleepless nights happened.  Then they popped out a couple of kids and it was all over.

But it doesn't even take motherhood to destroy your body anymore.  You graduate high school and you're perky and tight and everything still sticks straight up and nothing jiggles when you walk.

And then college happens.  Between a lack of sleep and too much stress and horrible food and beer that's so cheap you CAN'T turn it down, your body goes from Gisele Bundchen to Roseanne Barr.

By the time you graduate and get a "real job" in the "real world" because you're an "adult" (*barfing everywhere*), your life is destroyed.  A doughnut is considered an acceptable breakfast and you've somehow convinced yourself that pizza is a vegetable.

And forget hitting the gym.  When you drag your ass into the house late at night, you have just enough time to  finish off half of the Entenmann's lemon strudel you bought yesterday and go straight to bed, allowing the cake to settle on the worst parts of your ass.

Within weeks, you notice that your boobs have gone from resting beautifully below your collarbone to hitting you in the stomach when you walk too fast.  When you raise your hand to wave to someone, you notice that the fat under your arm waves to them too.  Your thighs--once tight and lean and NEVER touching--could now start a fire with the friction between them when you're speedwalking down the hall to fax that document your boss gave you.

And forget personal hygiene.  You were once able to wash your hair once a week and it never looked dirty.  These days, you miss one shower and there's enough grease in your hair to fry an egg on your head.  With the way your schedule is now, you're lucky if you pick your eye boogers before walking into the office.

It's a sad day when you realize that you're not the hot 19-year-old you used to be.  You're just a shriveled up, pruning women in her 20s.  Get a cat.