It was Halloween two years ago. I was on my way to a huge house party with my hottest girlfriends. I was still the hottest, obviously. Always make sure to surround yourself with people uglier than you.
Any Halloween costume is acceptable as long as it falls under the category of "Slutty _______," so I decided to dress up as a slutty fairy. I had on a tube top dress that barely covered my ass cheeks, enormous wings that smacked every person in the back of the head as I walked by and stopped me from being able to sit in a chair, stilettos so high that my Vertigo kicked in, and glitter in so many places, I'd be shitting sparkles for a week.
But I looked amazing/better than everyone else and that's really all that matters on a night like this.
And it was a good thing I looked that hot because as I entered the big house decorated to look spooky, I spotted him almost immediately. He was drinking a PBR so right away I knew he was classy. The best part? He was dressed as Edward Cullen. I knew I had to move fast if I was going to have any chance of scoring some vampy love from this guy before the sexy nurses and slutty maids leeched onto him.
I started the conversation off by asking if he was gay, maintained a steady job, and had a girlfriend. He smiled and said, "No, yes, and no." I don't know which order he meant but I didn't care; all three of those answers were right in some way. I asked him why on earth he would dress like Edward Cullen and then complimented him on how much he actually looked like him. I had to respect his honesty when he said, "Because chicks dig that SOB and I wanna get fuckin' laid tonight." I was in love.
I wasn't ready to tell him about my huge Edward Cullen poster that was hanging on my wall over my bed that I kissed every night but I did throw some charm on and we ended up dancing and laughing and flirting and getting drunk together all night. He even asked if I wanted to go to Denny's with my friends and his around 2am, when the crowd started to weed out and the drunks began to pick their couches and corners on the floor.
All the pillows and blankets and chairs were called for and we set out for a nice, greasy dinner at Denny's. This might not have been the best idea since halfway through our cups of coffee and nachos, my friend Susan leaned over and asked why literally all four of the guys we were with were different characters from Twilight. I was drunk and smitten with my own Edward and she was just jealous anyway because she couldn't fit into her slutty astronaut costume and nobody hit on her that night. I told her it was because chicks dig that shit, DUH, and went on with my meal.
Edward--I don't actually remember his REAL name; I literally called him Edward all night--invited me back to his place for a little after hours rendezvous and of course, I said yes. Once we got there, I noticed how odd this guy really was. His whole place was decorated really creepy and he never turned any lights on--only lit candles. I went along with it because it was Halloween and some people REALLY like Halloween. Cool? Cool.
So we have a beer and I ditch the big fairy wings and fishnet stockings and heels and we start making out on the couch. He wasn't a bad kisser but he especially liked my neck. I'm not a big fan of hickeys, especially from a one-night stand, so I kept trying to redirect his lips to mine...but he insisted on literally licking and smelling my neck. Or more like inhaling it.
I started giggling and getting a little annoyed when I finally looked at him and asked if he was gonna do anything besides make out with my throat all night. He smiled and murmured, "Shhh. I bet you taste so good." Now this got me excited. He bet my cooter tasted good? Fuck yeah, it did. I waited for him to go to town on me. I assumed he was going to go to town on me.
After another 17 minutes, I realized I was sorely mistaken.
Once again I asked, "You wanna explore any other parts of my body there, bud?" He seemed blatantly annoyed and it was then that I realized his apartment wasn't decorated for Halloween; and it was safe to say his lights probably never went on and his Edward Cullen "costume" was only a costume because it was the wrong kind of vampire...I had a feeling this guy didn't sparkle in the sunlight but probably had a nice tall glass of blood to start his mornings off.
"Are you...one of those guys people see on the news because he thinks he's really a vampire and bites people's neck because he really thinks he can suck people's blood and then he goes to jail and eventually a mental hospital where he keeps trying to suck people's blood because he still thinks he's really a vampire even though vampires don't exist?"
He giggled.
I was officially creeped out and told him I needed to use his restroom. Once I got in there, I called Susan and luckily, she didn't live far and was there in a matter of minutes. I told Edward I had explosive diarrhea and hightailed it out of there. I never spoke to the guy again but I heard a few stories about him after that. Let's just say, if you have a Smartphone and you meet someone new, GOOGLE them to find out if they went to jail for trying to suck some chick's aorta dry before you go back to their place with them for a little Show & Tell.
Happy Halloween. Watch out for those creepy little fuckers.
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