Judy Dumbfuck was dating a guy for five minutes before he got down on one hairy, ugly, fat knee and proposed with a ring that no doubt came from the bottom of a cereal box. She said, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I bet my mom $5 they'd be divorced within a year. At least they won't need a prenup. They're broke and don't own shit. There's nothing to nup. You can't split nothing in half.
Melanie Shithead got engaged, too. Melanie's been dating the guy for the last 800 years. Melanie's now-fiance is perfect: handsome, rich, tall, ripped, intelligent, honest, loyal, and devoted. Melanie's ring is so heavy, she walks with a limp. Melanie is a lucky little fuck nugget.
Crystal Shit-My-Pants is on Baby #3. She and her husband hate each other. But it doesn't matter, because they had cute Christmas cards and write sweet messages on each other's Facebooks and act like he isn't actually porking that waitress from Denny's. Crystal gives her children eccentric and unique names. Literally. She named them Eccentric and Unique. #3 is going to be Individual. All three will be ridiculed endlessly by their peers. I'll continue to point out how fat Crystal is going to get and the fact that when she laughs a little too hard, she might pee herself.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend
Every single night, I fall asleep to some boring documentary on Netflix. I'm pale and fat, and my neighbor checks in once a week to make sure I'm not dead. I once finished an entire box of Twinkies in one sitting and I think I'm growing a mustache. My mom tried to pay her coworker to take me on a date, but he said there wasn't enough money in the world.
Enjoy your marriages, you dolts. I hope your babies look like Jabba the Hutt.
Love,
Corrine
xoxo
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