"Just in Time"--A Story by Corrine Miles

You know when you have to go pee but you think you can hold it until you get home? You would rather sit your ass comfortably on your own toilet seat with your own germs instead of hovering over some crab-infested public bathroom or taking an hour to roll up as much toilet paper as you can in a sorry attempt to keep your ass from touching the seat, even though it almost ALWAYS does anyway.

This was me. It was a few years ago and I was dating this guy, Justin. We had been going out for a few months and things were pretty solid. He was great in bed, he made decent money that he liked to spend on me and as far as I knew, he had never been to jail. He was a winner. Until one of our dates where I had to pee but decided to wait until I got home. 

On this particular night, Justin and I went out to a small dinner at some chain restaurant. Chili's or something. Nothing fancy--just a little night out. We both lived with our parents so any time we could get out, we did. Sex happened in secluded parking lots, fitting rooms, a deserted baseball field...It was all hot and steamy and "adventurous," which was the excuse we used. But not this night. Not after Chili's.

We had our dinner, we paid the bill, and we got in the car. I noticed I had to pee by the time our dessert had arrived but I thought I could probably wait it out until we got back to his place. By the time I closed the car door, I was sure Lake Michigan had taken up residency in my bladder. We had a conversation about this and it went a little something like this:

ME: "Oh my Jesus Lord, drive fast! I have to pee so bad. If we don't get back to your place soon, I'm gonna pee on you!!"

JUSTIN: *Grins* "Okay." *Grins again* (And it wasn't a "HA-HA you're funny" grin or an "Okay I get it" grin or a "You're so cute when you have to pee" grin. No, it was an "Oh yeah, I like that" grin.)

I ignored his sexual grin and went along with his "joke":

ME: "HA! Yeah, and then afterward, I can shit on your chest!"

JUSTIN: "Well...That's a bit much, but..."

ME: "But....peeing on you would be completely appropriate?"

JUSTIN: "Well, I mean, I love you. I wanna experience everything with you."

ME: "Well then why can't I shit on your chest, dear?"

JUSTIN: "You really want to?"

ME: "NO! And I don't very well want to PISS on you either!!! Now drive so I can comfortably pee in a fucking toilet, please!"

That was the end of that. Until it was brought up again a few nights later. I still told myself that he was joking or maybe had one too many beers but let's be honest: My perfect, blonde-haired, blue-eyed hunk was just another creeper with a somehow clean record. So he spent the night at my place soon after our Chili's date and we stayed in bed until around noon fooling around and doing all sorts of inappropriate things. With my parents in the next room.  

(We had very high standards.) 


Of course now, all I could think about was if HE was thinking about my urine streaming down his leg. Needless to say, if I had a boner, it would have gone limp.

I decided that "talking about it" might help 'cause that's what Dr. Phil or Oprah would want me to do, right? So I asked flat out.

"Do you really want me to pee on you? I mean, how would that even work? I'm certainly not going to pee on you in MY bed...Do you really want pee on your sheets? I thought only dogs and toddlers peed the bed, really..."

"I mean...don't you pee in the shower?"

"Of course I pee in the shower...There's just not usually anybody else IN the shower when I do it. That's sort of a private act, isn't it?"

"I guess, but we could do it in there....."

I could tell this freak was getting a hard-on just talking about it so I let him follow me to the bathroom. We got in and stared at each other for a minute. I knew I had a disgusted look on my face and he knew it too.

"You don't have to do this," he said. I had to now. 

"Do you do this with all of your girlfriends?"

"No, I've never even thought about it! Like I said, I just love you and I want to experience everything with you."

"...Okay. But don't think for one second that your urine is coming anywhere near me OR that shitting on chests is an option after that comment I made last week. Unlike YOU, I was joking."

"I don't want you to shit on me, Cori."

How nice.

So the asshole knelt down and after about ten minutes of my laughing and shaking my head and mumbling things like "What the fuck am I DOING?!?" and "What kind of PERSON does this make me?!" and "I can't even look at you!" I did it. I pissed on the guy. And after that, I never called him again. Turns out, I really couldn't look at him...not without seeing my piss all over his once-hot, naked body.

He hated me for ditching him and after I heard he was talking shit to some of my friends, I wrote a nice little message on his Facebook wall:

"Hey! Remember that time I peed on you and you loooved it!? That was fucking sick. Creep."

The lesson here, people? If you gotta go, JUST HOVER!