An Ode to Periods--A Story by Corrine Miles

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I woke up this morning in the most disgruntled of moods and since then, it has only worsened.  I'm bloated to the point of discomfort and look like I could potentially be in my second trimester.  My body aches and it hurts to move.  I'm alternating between the most frustrating constipation and barely making it to the can before I shit my pants.  Oh, and I'm bleeding from my yoohoo.

Around this time every month, Mother Nature decides to kick in me in the genitalia with mind-numbing cramps and debilitating mood swings that leave me wanting to kill every person who looks at me.  I'm fat, ugly, have a huge ass, and there's a mountain range developing on my face.  But don't worry; you'll probably be so distracted by my massively swollen boobs that you'll never even notice.

The dumb bitches I'm friends with can't tolerate me and the myopic men in my life look at me and say, "Hah, durr, it can't be that bad."  Since they obviously don't bleed from THEIR yoohoos every month, however, they're clearly not entitled to an opinion.

And it all gets worse from there.

I'm out of tampons and no diaper will impede the fountain in between my legs, so I'm forced to drag my fat, ugly ass to the store to spend $20 on tampons.  That's right.  You might think that a compacted chunk of cotton designed specifically to be shoved up your cooter would be cheap, right?  Wrong.  And don't think one box will suffice.

I can't buy one box of regulars because as soon as my period lightens, regulars will be too much.  If you haven't tried pulling a half-dry tampon out of your oonie, just impale yourself with a screwdriver.  It'll hurt less.

Besides, in the beginning, my period is too heavy for the regulars.  Would you use a Kleenex to soak up the Atlantic?  No.  The answer is no.

So one box of regulars is out of the question.

How about one box of lites?  No.  Clearly.  And for the same reasons, the super jumbos alone won't suffice.

Now I know what you're thinking: Why don't they make boxes with assortments of tampons?  Why, they do!  You're in luck!  Sort of.  Typically, the number of each kind that they offer in the assortment boxes is disproportionate to how many lites, regulars, and super jumbos you will need throughout your cycle.

So the only option I'm left with is to buy ONE box of lites, ONE box of regulars, and ONE box of super jumbos.  Hence the $20 I'm about to spend.

Oh and let's not forget another $6 for a teensy bottle of Midol.  Or I guess my other option is to sit on the couch curled up in the fetal position for the next several days crying like a little bitch and screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST STAB ME WITH A RUSTY NAIL.  IT'LL HURT LESS."

There's also the money for heating pads, panty liners, the mattress-sized pads you wear to bed, Beano to hopefully stop you from farting like a hound dog, and birth control, if you're on it.  If you're lucky, your insurance covers contraceptives.  Even if they do, you start to wonder why they aren't covering everything else.  It's not your fault that every month, you hemorrhage from your virginia.  

Think this is where it ends?  Silly rabbit.  Didn't anyone tell you?  You will never be as horny as when you're riding the cotton rocket.  You might be so lucky to be dating one of those guys who thinks it's "natural" and "beautiful," instead of "repulsive" and "filthy" like how you see it.  It doesn't matter, though.  You will never feel as unattractive as you do right now.  Sex will most likely be out of the question, and since you're too disgusted to even touch YOURSELF, you pretty much just have to suck it up and stay horny for the next 5-7 days.

By the way, no one cares that you feel like absolute dog shit.  You are still expected to get up, go to work, and act like a normal human being even though you pretty much want to crawl in a hole and die a lonely death.

So what do you do?  Nothing.  Praying that you don't get your period isn't something the average girl does every month.  In fact, depending on who you're sleeping with, it more often goes, "Oh thank GOD I finally got it!"

Alas, you're given nothing.  Aunt Flo leaves town and you're left with another three weeks until you feel like throwing yourself off a cliff again.

God bless.

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